


On

by Elle_est_vivant



Category: Hermitcraft RPF, MindCrack RPF
Genre: Based on a wattpad vote that only four people participated in, Clearly I don't plan my stories out before I write, I promise, I promise this one is a fluff, I really promise, M/M, Maybe also Pause I don't really know at this point, University AU, oh my god they were roommates, set in Ottawa, what does the title mean? guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27762604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elle_est_vivant/pseuds/Elle_est_vivant
Summary: It's really weird to reunite with his best friend after so long at first, but in no time Beef got used to having Etho by his side again.He thought it wouldn't involve too much drama. They'd be friends, or course, they *are* friends, and they'd remain friends forever.And he forgot to take the other possibility into account. Friends, best friends, more than best friends...And so on.
Relationships: Etho/Daniel M. | VintageBeef, John | BDoubleO100/Steffen Mossner | Docm77
Comments: 27
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

‘Beef, I swear, if you get a single dorm the third year in a row, I’m murdering you and taking your room.’ Doc jokingly threatened, as he stared at the loading screen on his phone. 

The three friends were in a restaurant when the room assignment email for their new school year came out, and the internet was on the unstable side.

Beef rolled his eyes on the other side of the table. ‘Your roommate is your boyfriend, quit complaining will you?’

Beef wasn’t even specifically paying attention, but he couldn’t help but notice how flustered Bdubs became, sitting next to Doc. Those two had been dating for almost two years, and it still appeared like they were newly and very deeply in love. 

Sometimes he really was a bit jealous of them, being single for what felt like forever. Most of the time, though, he just enjoyed his freedom. Freedom of talking to any girls he wanted, freedom of having very temporary crushes now and then, and freedom of having a dorm room all to himself when almost all other people had to live with a roommate. The last one had nothing to do with relationships, but that one he valued the most. 

Doc’s suppressed chuckles pulled him back to real life. It sounded a bit - very - mischievous, and Beef was a bit nervous.

‘...what?’

‘Oh your single dorm streak is broken. I think you’re with a new guy this year.’

This news wasn’t totally unexpected, but as he was very used to the miracle of single dorm rooms since the start of college, it was a small disappointment nonetheless. Not one that he was really concerned and upset with at all, though. New people, hopefully new friends, that sounded like an exciting idea too.

‘What’s his name, my new roommate?’

‘Err... wait a sec... no idea how to pronounce it. I guess it’s Etho?’

Doc was still struggling with the pronunciation of the unusual name, but Beef was already beyond shocked.

_Etho. After six years. Six, entire, years. And it was pure coincidence. What are the chances._

Bdubs noticed Beef’s shocked face. ‘Do you know him? Etho?’

‘Wh- yes I do he was my best friend in middle school!’

  
  


It had been a while since these two had seen Beef so excited and unnecessarily over-preparing.

‘No, your floor is clean enough that I’d sleep on it, you don’t need to mop it again.’ Bdubs sat on Beef’s chair, watching Beef cleaning his room.

‘Nah you look okay with a beard don’t bother.’ Doc stood behind Beef in the common washroom, looking at the latter holding a razor in the mirror.

‘Tshirt and jeans. No that shirt is a bit overboard. His plane lands in two hours just get going will you?’

Bdubs and Doc exchanged a look after Beef finally grabbed his car keys and left. 

‘Doc?’

‘Yeah?’ 

‘I bet ten dollars he’ll end up dating this Etho guy.’

‘Isn’t Beef straight though?’

‘Just accept the bet.’ Bdubs had a confidence in his grin.

  
  
  


Beef had been triple and quadruple checking his phone on every red light. It was the familiar number that he might still remember by heart, but the only texts were from yesterday, with an awkward politeness in them. Etho gave him his flight number after he insisted on picking him up, and now Beef was almost at the airport, just one last light, and then onto the interchange bridge then the parking lot.

He was a decent driver, and his good driving reflexes gave his mind space to wander free. The plane would land in an hour, so where was Etho now, somewhere above Ontario already? What would he be doing, sleeping? Reading? On his phone playing mobile games?

He imagined the silver haired boy leaning on the back of an economy seat in a crowded plane, taking a nap, his long hair all over his face, headphones plugged in, with a book in his hands. The imagined Etho still has the fourteen-years-old face, but a young adult’s physique, not quite out of place though, it was just an imagination, a vague image. 

The terminal was crowded, like the plane in his imagination. Souvenir shops, coffee shops and dining cafes, some French chatters he couldn’t understand, some American college girls pointing to the ‘washroom’ sign and chatting in a clearly American accent and with clearly American laughs. Beef squinted at the large, overhanging sign displaying the flight information, trying to find the one on Etho’s texts. Luckily, there was a huge green ‘ON TIME’ behind the numbers.

Some of the waiting people had cardboard signs with names, Beef didn’t have one, he had a feeling that he could recognise Etho even after the six years apart and the other having grown from a young boy into a man. He paid attention to every single young adult male passenger going past the arrival gate, just in case Etho dyed or cut his hair, or gained some muscles or weight or both, or something.

That wasn’t the case. A very familiar, silver-haired, slender figure caught his attention tens of meters away, the expression on his face the same as Beef’s, looking out around him with close attention, trying to find a certain someone. 

‘Etho?’ Beef called out, not even unsure of his decision. 

The man’s eyes almost visibly lit up as he finally recognised Beef after a few seconds of confusion. 

‘Beef!’

The two large suitcases in Etho’s hands did not stop Beef from giving him a big tight hug.

‘Bro I missed you so much. For real.’

‘And you haven’t texted me once since tenth grade. Unbelievable.’ Etho chuckled, letting Beef take one of his suitcases as they walked toward the parking lot. ‘Bro I actually don’t quite miss you but okay.’

His words contradicted the excited lights in his eyes, and the latter doesn’t lie.

  
  
Etho was looking outside the car window as they drove. Beef was, of course, driving and looking at the road, but he couldn’t help but divert his attention to Etho on every red light or traffic jam. Gladly Etho never noticed.

He looked so different but so familiar. Same silvery long hair, same slender physique, same sculpted facial features, maybe a bit more tanned than his memory, but still pale. Beef couldn’t see his eyes, but from the first glance at the airport he recognised them as those familiar, clear gray eyes.

It felt surreal, driving with his middle school best friend. Both boys were adults now, Beef himself especially so, six feet tall, with a beard, a driver’s license, and student loans. He never imagined, or even set out to imagine, that they would meet again after all of these by chance. Etho had to have been in the same college as himself for two years already, and he somehow hadn’t walked into him once, but all of a sudden they were roommates.

It still felt surreal after they reached the uni parking lot, dislodged Etho’s things, and carried all the luggages upstairs to their room. Doc and Bdubs weren’t there, probably already left, enjoying the last few days before classes would start, and it seemed to be the case with all other students. The building was empty, some chaotic rap music still blasting in the common room, but it was just him and Etho.

It did give them some time to catch up with each other, though.

Etho already found himself a spot on the beanbag Beef brought, looking very comfortable, as Beef threw him a bag of chips and sat down on his bed.

‘So, how was Vancouver? And high school? And first two years of college?’


	2. Chapter 2

Etho didn’t really change much. Pretty messed up sleep schedule, lived on coffee, spent way too much time indoors, somewhere in between negative infinity and infinity on the introversion scale. He became friends with Bdubs and Doc in no time with Beef as a medium, and the four of them were now practically an inseparable quad.

Time really has failed to distance him and Beef. The opening of school registration was only three days after they met again, and Etho was already sneaking in a nap leaning on Beef’s shoulder, pretending they weren’t sitting right in front of a recording camera.

Just like back in middle school assemblies. Etho always got bored during assembly, and Beef was always the pillow of choice. He totally abused their difference in height and there was a time where Beef genuinely questioned whether Etho was hanging out with him just to nap more comfortably in assemblies.

In this perspective, nothing changed at all.

They went and got coffee after the registration. The three of them had a consensus on which Starbucks is the best one in Ottawa, and it was a distance from campus, especially with the traffic downtown.

Beef pulled the car to the parking space, woke Etho up the second time for the day, and watched Bdubs bully Doc as they walked into the door. A few other customers separated them four as they got in the line, with Doc and Bdubs way in the front.

The sun was great that day. Bright sunlight in a cloudless sky, making its way through the glass doors and large windows into the cafe. Under that sunlight, Etho yawned, fluffing his flattened long hair back to its state before the car ride.

‘I really do need that coffee now. This line really is long…’

‘Yeah if you didn’t pull that all nighter for absolutely no reason you might not-’

The sentence was disrupted by Etho standing on his tiptoes and flicking his forehead.

‘I didn't. I slept at five in the morning.’

Beef was going to continue being sarcastic when a voice called from behind them.

‘Etho! Didn’t expect you here!’

A young man was at the door of the Starbucks, blond hair, bright smile, the red sweater complementing his amber eyes. Clearly they knew each other, as Etho smiled brightly, greeting him back.

‘Hey Grian!’

The blond guy, presumably Grian, walked towards them, squeezing his way past the crowd with some glances of ‘how rude’ when he made his way in front of the people in the line behind Beef and Etho.

‘Sorry ma’am I promise I’m not cutting the line, just talking to my friends… anyways I thought you think all Starbucks are the same and stick with the on-campus one?’

Beef and him didn’t know each other and he still used the word ‘friends’ in plural. Subconsciously, Beef marked him as a nice person.

‘Oh Beef brought me here. Apparently he’s the same weirdo like you; I still firmly believe that all Starbucks are the same.’ Etho chuckled, but now Beef had all Grian’s attention.

‘So you’re Beef? Man I’m glad to finally meet you! Etho talks about you all the time but never showed me a picture of you two…’

His enthusiasm was infectious.

The line moved fast. In no time, they were at the register. Etho with his iced americano, Grian fulfilling his promise to the lady behind them and left the line but Etho got him a hot chocolate anyways, and Beef with his ‘old man’s hot cafe latte’.

‘...yea Etho you’re six months older than me shut up.’

‘I’m a sophomore and you’re a junior.’ Etho raised his eyebrow, clearly in the mood for a friendly bicker as the icy coffee got rid of his sleepiness.

‘I get it you took a gap year having fun in Europe but that doesn’t make you younger…’

‘I’m with Beef on this.’ Grian jumped in.

‘Aww you two. One of you at a time is enough pain and now there’s both.’ Etho rolled his eyes, and Grian only giggled.

‘I think someone over there just called you Etho, you probably should go… anyways I got stuff to do bye!’

He gave Etho a pat on the shoulder and flashed Beef a smile before heading out, the September wind blowing on his golden hair.

The smile was friendly enough, but Beef felt weird. Not a threat or hostility, but something like respectfully challenging. He couldn’t figure it out, and in the end he decided to just drop it.

Doc and Bdubs were sitting at the window seats, waiting for the two.

‘Who was that?’ Doc finished his sip first, while Bdubs still munched on a chocolate croissant.

‘A friend. He shares a lab with me sometimes.’

‘Oh. He looks sort of cute though… no I don’t mean it like that I mean objectively.’ Doc felt the death glance from behind the croissant, and hurriedly explained himself.

Etho and Beef chuckled at the same time.

‘Watch your words and mind, Doc.’ Etho.

‘I swear I didn’t…’

‘No, seriously, stop talking for your own benefit.’ Beef.

‘I…’

‘I can give you his number though, you know, if you want it.’ Etho, this time with an eyebrow raise.

‘No leave me alone…’

‘Run for your life Doc he finished his croissant.’

He stood at the door of the Starbucks, his latte in his hand, watching Bdubs chase Doc, the two like kids. They were having so much fun; Bdubs’ whine about Doc thinking Grian looks nice wasn’t serious to begin with and now it was simply a reason for him to ask his boyfriend for compensation in hugs and kisses.

There was a time where Beef used to run around with Etho like that, of course, without the hugs and kisses, but with even more fun. It was all very distant now. He recalled that Etho could never outrun him, but he always pretended he needed to catch his breath, just so in the end he could see that bright victory smile beaming on his best friend’s face under the golden sun before their mothers dragged them home separately.

He was pulled out from his memories by the very man of the memories, as Etho casually came up next to him and rested one hand on his shoulders.

A quiet smile was hanging on his lips, a strand of hair flowing in front of his face in the late summer breeze. He swept it away with one hand carelessly, as the smile developed into a grin.

‘Beefers? Contemplating life here eh?’

‘Nah just watching two totally sensible adult men running on the street like idiots.’

Beef met Etho’s grin, and immediately, his subconscious mind registered it as the one six years ago, bright and warm and lively.

‘Remember when we used to play tag?

‘And when I always won? Absolutely.’

‘Come on I was letting you win...’

‘Yeah thanks. You were my sole source of faith in my athletic abilities back then.’ Etho laughed lightly but audibly, as the other two finally got back from their little tag race.

Beef didn’t notice him shuffling closer as they walked back to the car, almost as if he was claiming his sovereignty on Beef with his hand still on the other’s shoulder.

It was a nice day, sunny, cheery, relaxed.


	3. Chapter 3

It was those goofy times that kept him alive through all the college stress. They squeezed in two movie nights, one gaming all nighter, one dinner downtown, and one shopping spree to Walmart where the aftermath was three drawers of chips, all in the first week of school.

Beef and Etho’s room was now the unofficial meeting spot because of the beanbag, and it was no different this Sunday evening. Doc brought a little projector over, and they were watching a movie, the couple sitting on Beef’s bed, Beef on Etho’s, Etho on the beanbag. 

No one was really paying attention to the scenes, they were just relaxing in their own ways. Bdubs was going through his third bag of chips by the half mark of the movie lying on Doc’s laps, Doc was observing Beef and Etho and the actions that he knew would be coming, Beef was braiding Etho’s hair and counting how many he could finish before Etho would notice.

The answer was two. 

Etho felt the light tug on his hair and tried to turn his head around one eighty degrees and look at Beef, a mischievous grin and an eyebrow raise like ‘watch out for a pillow coming to your face’.

Beef laughed and fell back onto the bed, narrowly missing the pillow in Etho’s hand coming for him, catching his breath as he sat up and looked at Etho again.

Against the bed, two thin, undone braids dangling next to his ear, a hint of pink on his cheeks from the actions, the grin lively as always.

For a split second, everything freeze-framed, the background all blurred, the focus on and only on his face. The shutter rolled and a figurative picture was taken, the lively grin now the cover of Beef’s album of memories.

_Bruh the girls are lucky he isn’t gay._

Thank god above no one noticed what was going on in his mind in that split second.

  
  
  


Etho fell asleep at around the climax of the movie, not as if anyone’s paying attention to it. Beef was still sitting on the bed with his legs dangling off, and Etho conveniently scooted the beanbag over with himself, using the bed as a backrest and Beef’s thigh as a headrest, hugging his one weapon of a pillow.

‘Yeah accept your fate as a pillow.’ Doc didn’t miss the chance to be mean to Beef.

‘He’s holding a literal pillow and nope, it has to be me.’ Beef shrugged, rolling his eyes but an almost invisible smile crept up onto his lips, noticed by Bdubs.

‘Beef are you sure you’re…’

Doc stuffed another chip into Bdubs’ mouth just in time.

‘Alright we’ll not disturb him and go back to our room see ya.’

Beef sat there confused as Doc dragged Bdubs out, the latter flashing another mischievous look to him before Doc closed the door.

He looked down at Etho. The silence was sinking in around them after the two left, the wind barely audible outside the window. The room was dark, with only some lights leaking in through the door.

His phone said 23:50. Everything suddenly seemed dormant around them, inanimate objects included. The desk looked asleep, the walls, the door, Beef’s vacant bed, the beanbag, Etho.

It didn’t feel like college with his roommate. It felt like middle school sleepovers where their parents were asleep and they were secretly staying up for the sake of doing so. 

Beef lightly tapped his best friend’s shoulder, and Etho opened his eyes, still not fully awake.

‘...what?’

‘You should probably go to bed.’

‘What time is it?’ Etho rubbed his eyes, trying to get up from the beanbag.

‘Almost twelve a.m.’

‘Alright.’ He was very obedient when half-awake and did not fight for his four a.m. schedule.

Beef stood up, leaving Etho’s bed to him, and got onto his bed himself. He laid there inanimate, failing to fall asleep while the other had already drifted off to sleep again.

He was trying to counter the weird overwhelming feeling that suddenly appeared. It wasn’t pain or grief or anything nearly resembling negativity, in fact, it was quite the opposite, but it was unknown and strong, and he didn’t quite like it.

  
  
  
  


The trio had advanced math together the next day. When Beef walked into the lecture hall - barely on time as always - he found Doc and Bdubs whispering quietly but heatedly, their heads tilted inwards, Bdubs half covering his mouth with his hands.

It didn’t take a particularly bright mind to figure out that something was off. Beef slowly shuffled over to the seat next to theirs, and the two did not notice his existence until they heard him carefully ask.

‘Ummm… what’s up?’

Bdubs tried to shut Doc up and failed.

‘Bdubs ships you and Etho quite ferociously and I’m trying to tell him that’s wrong.’

This was not an answer Beef expected.

‘Al...alright? I did not know that.’

‘You don’t mind right?’ Bdubs hurriedly added, looking at Beef nervously. 

‘I guess…? It sort of makes me feel like a celebrity not gonna lie, being shipped. I guess I don’t.’

Bdubs’ face lit up from the previous nervousness, now with the permission from the Beef himself.

‘See Doc I told you he won’t mind!’

‘Nah Beef doesn’t mind because we’ve been friends for so long, Etho probably does...’ 

Doc was still going on with his mini lecture, but Beef’s mind already went far astray.

Doc was not wrong. Although he didn’t necessarily mind, he did feel weird about it. He was totally straight and didn’t love Etho romantically, he was sure. And although he couldn’t read minds, he was also certain that this was the case vice versa. Yes, they might’ve said ‘I love you’ to each other more often than the actually dating pair, but his point still stood.

It was probably just two straight friends doing straight things and not seem like it to their gay friends because they’re gay.

Yeah.

Beef dragged his attention back to reality, the professor’s and Doc’s lectures filling his ear at the same time. His brain automatically filtered the lectures, as his phone vibrated in his pocket.

He pulled it out. Three texts from Etho, the latest one a smiley face on his lockscreen. 

_I got u coffee_

_Meet me at the science building_

_:)_

His lips tilted upwards subconsciously, like the smiley face on his screen.

_Sometimes it really is hard to tell apart love and friendship. I don’t blame Bdubs._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm quarantining in Shanghai right now and my productivity will either be very high or very low depending on my balance between playing minecraft and writing.
> 
> not like my productivity was previously high or something, but yeah.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh wow I am back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timbits [n.]: canadian dunkin munchkins

Bdubs seemed to be a bit disappointed when Beef showed up without Etho.

‘Where’s Etho?’

‘Doing biology stuff in a biology place. Too bad for him. Where’s Doc?’

‘Getting his snacks.’ Bdubs raised his chin gesturing Doc’s direction, his hands occupied with chips, coke, and a console dangling by its wire.

It was just another gaming night for the trio, and Beef was more than used to it. He might not be the best gamer, but he always had fun just being around these two since freshman year. However, for some reason, today he seemed to be focused more on who wasn’t there instead of who was.

Doc snapped his finger in front of Beef’s eyes after the third time Beef’s character ran into a wall and died. 

‘Beef? Are you still here?’

‘I… yes sorry I was thinking about some other things. Restart and I promise to not die.’ Beef blinked and shook his head, trying to slap himself back into reality.

Where did he even drift off to? He tried to remember what he was thinking in order to stop thinking about it, but he couldn’t remember a thing. 

_ That’s good, probably. I’ll pay attention to the game. _

He readjusted his grip on the console and devoted his mind to the screen.

It felt like a task instead of fun. They did get through the level, but Beef was clearly not wholeheartedly there still.

Bdubs offered him a chip. ‘Beef? You alright?’

‘Yeah… I don’t know I might be tired. It’s already close to midnight, I might’ve had too much work done today… I dunno.’

He knew clearly that wasn’t the case, but he didn’t know what  _ was  _ the case. All he knew was he never felt this way before. It was not fatigue, nor stress, nor anxiety, nor anything he’d ever experienced really.

It was similar, though, to how he felt when Grian flashed him that smile. And when Etho was asleep by his legs. It was those types of unknown feelings boiling inside him, weird, indescriptible, not uncomfortable but not fun either.

‘I’ll go to bed early I think. Sorry for dying a lot.’

He stood up, unplugged his console, and walked out, leaving a confused Doc and a confused Bdubs in their room, the latter still with the chip he offered to Beef in his hand.

He heard Bdubs whisper to Doc ‘is he alright’ before he closed the door.

_ No, no I really am not. And to be honest I’m scared. I don’t know what’s all this. _

He headed towards his room, but only to drop off the console and grab his jacket before heading out of the dorm.

  
  
  
  


He let his legs carry him while he tried to empty his mind and search for the cause.

Earlier today Etho didn’t go to stats lecture with him. He also didn’t go to the cafe with him at lunch, and when all classes ended he declined Doc’s offer to gaming night. 

Etho also promised him timbits for accidentally waking him up at three a.m. but didn’t get him any.

Beef was subconsciously listing all the crimes Etho committed that day when something finally clicked: he was upset with his best friend over tiny things, that was all.

He laughed at himself when the realisation hit. It was just himself being a high school girl that’s overly obsessed with her BFF, and although he felt a bit shameful, it was hilarious.

Now that his mind was finally clear from distress, he finally realised that he was in the science building foyer. 

_ Where the biology people and biology places are. _

He looked up, and coincidentally or not, there were those two people, the hairs way too easily recognised, that silvery white and golden blond, looking like gray and brown under the dim light from the midnight foyer. They were leaning on the rails, their backs facing Beef, chatting something far from audible all the way down where Beef was. 

Etho and Grian. He shared a lab with him sometimes, quote Etho.

The scene looked too fitting, almost worthy of some tv show. Midnight in an empty building. Dim but just-right lighting and perfect cinematic viewing angle. The two with matching lab coats, structurally fitting height, and contrasting hair. They felt like main characters, and Beef a film crew that won’t make a single appearance in the story.

_ Too  _ fitting.

Suddenly the feeling he just managed to clear came back to him.

Beef turned around and walked out of the building fast, scolding himself as he opened the door.

_ Stop being like teenage girls Beef. You’re better than that. You know you don’t own your friends. They have a life. That’s more than normal. Stop acting as if they cheated on you. _

The knowledge of that not being the right thing to feel did not stop the feeling.

The night was getting colder. Beef sped up his pace, wrapping his jacket tighter around him to shield himself from the wind.

The dorm building appeared within sight after he turned around at a crossroad. He disregarded the red light as the roads were empty, and that was when he heard someone press the cross button behind him.

For some reason he just knew it was Etho, but he didn’t turn around nor slow down. Both his logic and his feelings told him to grow up and just drop it, but it was too hard.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Etho caught up and tapped his shoulder.

‘Hey Beef.’

‘Hey.’ 

Beef sounded way too harsh despite trying his best to not to. Etho either didn’t notice or pretended to not notice.

‘You okay? I saw you entering and leaving the building like a ghost.’

‘I… I just felt like coming out for a walk. Did not expect you two to be there and didn’t want to disturb you just in case. Yeah.’

He felt like he did a decent job at pulling off this lie - to be fair, this partial truth - and thankfully Etho bought it.

‘Nah I was just apologising to him. Before that I was staying for our lab project. All because of you.’

‘What…?’

Etho raised a paper bag to Beef’s face. The streetlights were too dim to see the print on the bag, but Beef recognised it. A bag of timbits he promised earlier.

‘I almost forgot. Went there last second before they closed, therefore had to delay the experiment we were running, therefore Grian had to wait for me as my lab partner, therefore us being there until practically midnight.’

The tone of his voice was calm, as if it was nothing more than grabbing Beef a pencil by the way. 

Now Beef felt bad.

‘You know you didn’t have to right? Not like I’ll ever get mad at you over it or something…’

‘You had to put up with my sleep schedule, you deserve it.’ Etho shrugged, ‘the problem is I now also owe him timbits. That’s the problem.’

Now not only did Beef feel bad, he also felt stupid for thinking that his best friend gave him the cold shoulder or something. He tried to shake his embarrassment off by taking a timbit.

He scrambled open the bag, the chocolate glaze stuck on the bag sticking onto his hand. He grabbed one and popped it into his mouth. It was a bit too sweet without any drinks, but something about it tasted like contentment and he grabbed a second one.

Etho still walked by his side, a quiet smile on his lips as always.

‘I remember you like the chocolate ones. Did I get that right?’

‘Absolutely.’ Beef’s muffled word was barely distinguishable. ‘Here take one yourself too.’

‘No thanks. Too sweet for me.’

They passed a streetlamp, their shortened shadows gradually lengthening and fading, two becoming four.

‘I know you can eat an entire box of those, E. I’ve seen it happen before.’

‘You’re a jerk.’ Although Beef didn’t see it, he knew Etho rolled his eyes at him. ‘Fine.’

For some reason he wished the walk back to their dorm to be longer. Just the two of them in the entire perceivable world, middle of the night, under the streetlights, laughing, joking, sharing snacks.

It wasn’t like nothing else mattered, but really, nothing else mattered.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally have never had a gay panic and this chapter is totally pure imagination- *cough*

In college, fun is temporary and workload is permanent. It was soon midterm, then deadlines for a truckload of assignments and essays, then, in what felt like no time, finals.

Beef felt very drained out. He collapsed face down onto his bed that day when he came back from the library, not really wanting to use a single brain cell anymore.

With his face buried flat in the sheets, he heard Etho close a book and chuckle.

‘Still alive?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I am alive. I don’t know what is being alive. All I know is I hate math.’

Beef’s muffled voice was not quite intelligible but his hatred towards math sure was. Etho was still chuckling, standing up from his desk and sitting down on Beef’s bed.

‘I mean, it’s not that bad once you get the hang of it, I can explain some confusing stuff if you want me to.’

‘Yes save me from my pain.’

‘It sort of requires you being alive.’ Etho finally couldn’t help but laugh out rather audibly. ‘Come on, get up, you’ll get through this.’

‘No. Channel knowledge into me. I refuse to un-die.’

Even though that was what he said, he still rolled around trying to sit up, to the wrong direction first and bumping into Etho before finally struggling to sit up straight.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Doc might have learned a lesson about knock first when entering someone else’s dorm room. He was not expecting to see the two squeezing together on the corner of the bed, a heavy textbook on Beef’s laps and a pencil in Etho’s hand, doing what seemed to be an inconspicuous thing in a very conspicuous position.

‘Uh hello- oh hi Doc.’ Beef looked up from the textbook. ‘You also here to attend prof Etho’s lecture?’

‘...I’d love to hear all about math or mechanics or whatever this is but I also do have a boyfriend.’ Doc stammered, trying to hide his very tall frame behind the door and failing. ‘Maybe tomorrow at the library or something. I’d love a group study session but… yeah bye.’

And he left as abruptly as he came, the door closing behind him loudly as he hurried out of it. 

Beef looked at Etho, who was pretending he didn’t understand a thing Doc tried to imply, but failing to do so as his faint blush and darting eyes sold him.

He couldn’t stop the grin forming on his face. Whenever Etho tried to act very innocently, he always failed miserably at doing so, and Beef found it quite entertaining.

‘Someone has no idea how gay can straight people be and it’s not us. Anyway what’s the next step after taking this derivative?’ 

‘Uh- you plug this in and then use the results to integrate this right here.’

Etho was still walking him through maths problems just like a minute ago before Doc came, but it was obvious that something else was taking up his mind now. However, Beef’s brain capacity did not allow him to think anything other than maths at the moment.

‘...Alright let’s see how I did as a teacher.’ After a few more problems, Etho dropped his pencil onto the bed, and pointed with his finger a question on the textbook. ‘Do this one yourself.’

Beef scratched his head. ‘So… umm… you solve for this coordinate first? And then you plug in the results into the formula and get…’

‘Write it down. Don’t just say it.’

‘You’re in the way, Mr Etho.’ A hint of playfulness and mockery of the high school teacher-like role the other took was in his voice.

Etho was indeed in the way, leaning onto his arm, almost half in front of him, stopping his hands from reaching the textbook.

‘You gotta find a way around that problem. No one’s going to solve problems for you when you’re in college.’ Etho stressed the last few words, the same playful tone, but something, some very faint anticipation-like shyness was in his voice. 

Beef knew exactly how to turn the situation of Etho winning the bicker around. He didn’t say anything and simply looped his arm around Etho’s waist, the latter slim enough that he could just barely reach the book with his pencil and jot down the equations.

He knew that since middle school, or even earlier, Etho could be silenced by simply being touched. Sometimes in recess he would become overly talkative on not so appropriate topics, and all Beef had to do was to grab his wrist and he would quiet down, giving Beef a chance to divert the topic.

Clearly this time it worked too. It was a bit comical seeing Etho suddenly freeze like an app that stopped functioning, both wanting to physically struggle but not wanting to interfere with Beef’s writing and leave a long pencil mark on the textbook.

It happened way too often. Since they’ve first become friends, the only way Beef could have an advantage on the bicker is to make it physical. Etho was way too good with being sassy sometimes, and he hated and loved it.

This time, though, something else besides the childish feeling of victory was there. Beef felt his heart skip a beat as Etho gave up fighting and leaned into his half a hug, the weight of him figuratively pressing on his lungs, making him feel a bit out of breath.

His throat felt dry. Math is no longer relevant. It was a question simple enough, the one on the textbook, but his mind could no longer function for that split-second which felt like eternity. 

After the initial overwhelming shock, fear took over.

_ What the fuck just happened. _

He swallowed, and looked down at Etho. The latter already noticed the sudden tension, and was trying to look at him, his eyes filled with questioning concern.

‘Beef?’

‘I… what?’

‘Are you okay?’

Now the weird feeling was back after its short break of two seconds, along with the fear of losing control over his own mind, forming an odd blend in Beef. 

‘Yeah. Umm… you really are in the way. I can’t write.’

Beef knew nothing about what made him feel that way, but he knew he needed to get Etho off of him. He inwardly sighed of relief as Etho shuffled away, the metaphorical weight on his lungs removed, his body feeling light all of a sudden. 

  
  
  
  
  


It had been hours after that weird panic attack, Etho was somehow already asleep at the early hour of two a.m, and Beef laid there, thinking about everything.

He was genuinely scared. It was the unknown that was frightening for him; never in his life had he been so discomposed, so lost of what to feel and how to react, so out-of-control of himself.

His mind ran through all the novels and movies he had ever read and watched, and tried to correlate the feeling with them. 

Not just friendship, of course. Not hatred, the last person he’d hate in this world would be Etho. Not love, even the more melodramatic ones in the novels didn’t feel like fear and suffocation.

Also how - why would he  _ love  _ Etho, he was straight, straight as a pole, he had girlfriends, he had crushes, never had he even been loved by a boy, not to mention to love one…

His mind flew away from its current thought, and it took him a while to figure out where did it wander off to.

Etho. Nothing to do with the effects of him anymore, just the concept of  _ him _ , occupying every single inch of his brain that’s capable of thought.

He had trouble sleeping that night.


	6. Chapter 6

The next few days weren’t too bad emotion wise. The pressure of exams were more than overwhelming, and Beef numbly revised and numbly took the exams, just like all other college students abused by academic pressure. He did not have time to think about what happened to him that day, and he did not have the mental capacity to think about Etho.

The last exam of the term was finally done. Beef waited silently as the proctor collected the papers, not quite because of patience, but more out of mental exhaustion. It was already late afternoon, the setting sun shining in through the lecture hall’s windows, blinding his eyes.

He shuddered from the chilly weather as he walked outside along with the other students, most of them excited for the break, some of them too worn out to think about it. He was among the latter. 

It was already late November. It was already winter. All seemed too soon. Almost three months had passed since the start of the school year, and the idea of it somehow seemed a bit melancholic.

Even the dorm would be a bit emptier, enhancing the melancholy. Those that didn’t live on campus and only hung out there had already left for their homes, those that had their exams end earlier as well, and that would leave a maximum of four people behind. Doc was going to visit a friend in some other city, Bdubs was going back to America for the break.

Beef walked on the pavement and thought about his vacation plan, he didn’t have one yet. Another gust of wind blew through the alleyway, and he wrapped his coat tighter around him, his hands occupied with a calculator and some pencils that he couldn’t spare a hand to zip up his coat.

He could go back home during the break. He grew up in a suburb near Toronto, and it was only a few hours of drive away. He hadn’t told his parents about going back, of course, he hadn’t even decided to go back, and he could bet they would be excited.

Something else, though, was circling in his mind. More specifically, the feeling that was arguing against him leaving campus. He didn’t know, but something inside of him was trying to drag him behind, like the feeling he used to get at the elementary school playgrounds every time recess ended.

In no time, he was at the dorm, and he was still thinking.

And it was no surprise that he walked straight into Bdubs. He saw Doc there at the door, and he shouted a ‘hello’ as he walked towards him, and he was very unaware of the Bdubs in between them until the collision happened.

‘Bro- I’m sorry I didn’t see you.’ Beef stepped back and apologised, the sincere apology cracking up into a laugh within seconds as Bdubs put on his comical mock anger.

‘Okay yes tall guys I see you two are greeting each other but we still exist. Short people matter.’

Beef thought for a second that by ‘we’ Bdubs meant it in the editorial way, but as Etho became visible behind Doc and the huge backpack on Doc, it was clear that Bdubs genuinely had a point.

‘Ouch Beef how dare you not notice me first. I feel hurt.’ Etho very naturally took the stuff from his hands, the signature quiet smile hanging on his lips as always.

Doc grabbed Bdubs’ arm and pulled him back, a very necessary action as Bdubs’ eyes already had way too much excitement in them seeing this interaction. 

Beef moved to Etho’s side, leaving the doorway to the departing two.

‘I totally knew you’re here from the very beginning. Anyways, you two ready to leave?’

‘Yeah… oh and if you don’t mind can you drive us? We were thinking about taking an uber but…’ Doc didn’t need to finish the sentence before Beef nodded.

‘Sure. My car?’

‘Do we have a second car?’ Bdubs rolled his eyes at Beef’s stupid question, and Etho laughed.

‘I’ll go with you guys. I sort of want a road trip to, I dunno, the airport.’ Etho sounded lighthearted, but something resembling competitiveness for attention was there.

  
  
  
  


In the first two years of college Doc either took the driver’s seat or the front seat in Beef’s car, simply for how uncomfortable his height would make him in the backseat. However, a very unspoken consensus was established the moment Etho joined the trio - the quad - of them: Beef drove, the pair sat in the back, and the front seat was for Etho. An immutable rule. It wasn’t any different this time.

Beef put on music the moment they hit the highway. Rock from the nineties filled the car, Bdubs vibing, Doc napping, Etho on a phone call with his headphones on.

He didn’t notice the call initially, and it wasn’t until his name was mentioned that he realised. He hurriedly turned down the volume of the music as to not disturb the other’s call, and the conversation Etho was having with whoever’s on the other side was suddenly way clearer.

‘...Yeah he’s right here driving. We’re… ummm… away. Yeah.’

Etho paused, presumably letting the other side speak. Then he turned to Beef.

‘Grian wants your number. Is that alright?’

Before Beef could react, Bdubs already stuck his head through the gap between the seats and started listening intently to this conversation.

‘I - Bdubs sit back and put on your seat belt you’ll get me fined - I guess I don’t. Why would he want it though?’

The affirmative answer was given before he really processed the information, and after what Etho asked really registered in his brain, confusion came. 

‘I dunno. I think he’s interested in knowing you, like, obviously.’

The rest of the drive was silent. Not in the literal sense with Etho on call and the music still playing, but in the way that Beef perceived it to be. Quite silent.

He didn’t know when did Etho hang up, or when did Doc wake up, or when did they arrive, or anything. It was like when he was mechanically revising again, he numbly helped them unload the suitcase, numbly waved them goodbye at the airport gate, numbly walked back towards the car with Etho. By the time they left the terminal, the sky was already very dark.

Etho was silently walking by his side, and this time it was in the literal sense. The bright yellow toned road lights at the airport made his skin appear much warmer, like light coloured honey, and his hair golden. The pale green jacket he was wearing had a ring of fluff around the neck, almost blending with his hair. 

There was about two inches of distance between them, not far, but not intimate. 

Beef wanted to say something to break the silence, but he couldn’t think of what. Thankfully Etho spoke first.

‘How did you feel about exams?’

‘Not too bad. I bet the grade curve is brutal though, calculus literally felt easy.’ Beef shrugged, his jacket accidentally brushing against Etho’s arm at his motion.

‘Nah you think it’s easy because of me. I’m going to claim all credits there.’ Etho grinned, as Beef opened the front seat’s door for him, an action out of habit. ‘Anyway do you want to find a restaurant or something? I doubt the cafe on campus is still open.’

‘I guess. What do you want to get?’


End file.
